After having relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis for almost 22 years there are a few things that stand out as life changers. One is the anxiety of not knowing what the next relapse will bring and when it will hit. The other big stand out is how much the anxiety of “what if” takes from us.
MS is a chronic disease that is a marathon and not so much a sprint. I was relieved to learn when I was first diagnosed that it's not a death sentence. But it does bring urgent problems. Having MS is a rollercoaster but you literally have no idea where the next turn is. When a relapse hits it becomes the urgency of the day, week, month, half a year and it changes your daily life drastically.
I’ve had a few issues over the years that drastically changed my path. I went numb from the waist down which was a total urgent anxiety filled unwanted trip. I could actually feel the numbness creeping down my legs. Over time I overcame the issues of having no sense of feeling and what it brought. Over a longer period of time the numbness remitted and I felt better. I have no lasting impacts from that relapse, thankfully.
However, another biggie relapse was having optic neuritis that definitely changed my path. That episode unfortunately left permanent damage in my right eye’s optic nerve and I’m halfway blind in that eye. Living with MS, I’ve learned that we must roll with the punches, lean on your faith that everything will be okay and know that this too shall pass. Surviving such a relapse is about learning how to cope with what is thrown at us.
I’ve learned over the years that even though MS tries to and does inflict damage, my job is to deflect that damage, mentally and physically. I have chosen to give MS balance and a place and I live my life the best I can. It took me many years to get to this place and my hope is to help others living with the unknowns of MS to get to this place, too.
The hardest part of living with MS is the unknown. It takes away your sense of freedom and your sense of independence. I have fleeting moments of the person I was before I was diagnosed. Sometimes it's a place that takes me back, sometimes it's a song I hear. I think this happens to many people, not just those with chronic issues. When you are in the throes of a relapse, MS will however take your everything away. I’ll give it an inch, but I’m not giving it a mile!
Looking back to the previous me, I had a college degree, a great job and was determined to have it all. And I did have it all. Best of all, I still have it all! But it's different and I feel different. Dare to say that over the years I feel more relaxed about it all. Maybe this sense just comes with age and becoming older and wiser and having gone through all the stuff. I have the privilege to understand that no matter what, I will be okay!
So as I look at my life and all the challenges I can say I’m a survivor. In the grief process that MS brings, I am definitely at acceptance. And while I accept MS and what it brings to my life, I also am feeling like my old self. There is a little piece of the old me that comes out! It’s called resilience and living the life I want to live, albeit a little different than what I thought it would be. I have a home, a husband who stands like a rock for our family with three beautiful children and I get to use my camera and take photos everyday. I’m living my dream, actually!
I am filled with the gifts I’ve received in life and have found my strength through the years of struggles! The key to happiness is finding joy and you are much stronger than you think you are! It's all a mindset!
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
